Beginnings for me...Mother and the "harder" drugs...The "Secret Game" ...

After my mother left my father, she was basically ruined. He had started her on pot, and it was a natural eventuality for her, I guess, to move onto something harder. She met a guy named Scott, and did cocaine a lot of the time. I remember once going to stick my finger in the sugar bowl to taste the sweetness of it, and my mom flipped out, grabbed my hand, washed it thoroughly, and then told me never to go near the sugar bowl again.
When I was three, I awoke from my nap early, and heard my mother making groaning noises. Of course I feared the worst, and immediately ran across the hall to Hers and Scotts bedroom and opened the door. I saw Scott on top of my mother, and they were moaning together, naked. I asked what Scott was doing to her and he yelled he was giving her a back massage and to leave. I didn't and instead, even though I was three, asked, If it was a back rub then why wasn't she laying on her stomace. My mother asked me to leave and wait in the den for her. After about fifteen minutes(as it seemed to my little brain at the time) she came out and sat down. She explained what exactly sex was, how it was done, the sexual parts(penis, boobs, vagina) and that men and women do it because they enjoy it, and sometimes to have a baby.
I tried to tell my friends about sex later when I was in kindegarten and their parents freaked and told them to never play with me again.
Most of my youth was spent being a social outcast, I'd stare at all of them, trying to figure out what made them different from me but my mind at that age couldn't figure it out.
At five my mother and I were living in Las Vegas, in fact she'd been back and forth between Calif. and Nev. from the time I was three til I was five. I thought nothing of it, but apparently my mother's drinking and drug usage had gotten worse and she was escaping tickets and jail back then, racking up tickets and fines in one city to another, moving constantly. My mother had good periods. When I entered Kindegarten, she was in a good period. My consisted of waking her up and making breakfast, and my own lunch and going to school. I'd come home to an empty apartment and would wait til late into the evening when my Mother would come home.
She and I had tons of fun in those days but it didn't last. Soon she started drinking again, and then she met a guy. And we moved in with him. He seemed nice enough to start, he definitely loved kids and I was no exception. He bought me pretty pink dresses, and dolls, and set me up in my own little mobile home so it was like I had my own place. He worked nights so he was there in the day to watch me while my mom worked days. He started to become scary when he wanted to play games.
He would get me to try on my new dresses while he sat in the room, and would watch me undress and dress. At first, I didn't think anything of it, but then he started saying I needed help and then would pause to touch me and asked if I liked it.
Long story short, he was having me masturbate him and he would touch me in my private places and the first time he had sex with me was when I finally broke the promise of our "secret" and told my mom he was doing bad things to me. She called me a liar and did nothing about it. For six more months he raped and molested me, until one day when my mother came home early(She'd been fired for coming to work drunk. I overheard her telling my Aunt about it)and caught him "In the Act". I dont remember much from that time, except her holding him to the kitchen wall with her "Rambo" knife against his throat. Threatening him with castration if it progressed to any other little girls.
We left and lived in her car. One that my Grandmother had given her, and was a nice buick when my mom got it. We were poor and on the street, my mother unable to get a job at the time took to having me beg on the streets for money. I would stand there and ask anyone if they had a couple of dollars I could have so I could call my brother to come get me. Then if they pushed or asked any questions about informing authorities or where my mom was, I backed off and said my mom was in the store and I just wanted to talk to my brother. It would always end with me running back to my mom and us finding a different spot on the boardwalk, off the pier in Calif. We were in Balboa at the time and soon she met another guy. He lived on a houseboat. This guy was cool, but they were both heavy drinkers and stayed on the boat for long periods of time, having me drive the boat or go to shore to get the essentials. Only venturing out themselves when they needed alcohol. My mother got the accreditation to home school me at that time but it was easy back then. And she left me to do the work all by myself. I did and actually ended up asked if I wanted to skip a grade when I came back to school. But my mother, who was a good heart, just confused and in need of help, always screwed up the relationships with her drinking and drugs. He wanted to sober up and she didn't. So he left there, on the boat with me and took off for a couple days. My mother got so drunk that the coast guard was called and she was taken to jail. I was sent to live with my father for a short time.
I was happy to be with him and have happy memories, but even he had his problems...